Bedtime is a breeze with the Other Angel who truly values sleep and is trained to :

1) fall asleep on her own without the need of a soother or pacifier of any sort, and that includes patting, swinging or dancing. Basically, I put her down to her cot and she will go to sleep on her own.

A very dear lesson learnt from my experience with the Angel who has been giving me a hard time getting her to sleep / nap.

To put the Angel to sleep, the bedtime ritual will usually include :

1) reading at least 3 books

2) an arm to cuddle or touch till she is asleep;

3) talk and talk till she is tired out;

Recently, I’ve been trying to put a stop to (2) and (3) as it really drags sleeping time. Instead, I use the time for talking to the Alternative Dad and we call it dad and mom’s time.

Tonight, the Angel, in order to have my attention instead, tried to convince me, “You really shouldn’t be talking to each other now. You will be very tired tomorrow morning.”

“Angel, when then will I have the time to talk to dad? I hardly have the chance to talk to him!”

“Wait till Saturday.”

SATURDAY!!!!

One night, just before going to bed, the Angel told me.

“You are always busy; busy cooking, washing, feeding, packing. You have no time for fun things.” All said in a cool, calm but definitely disappointed voice.

I guess it is a combination of my ineffectual organizational skills, lack of breathing space and a dearth of energy while struggling to keep pace of running the house and the Angels. When I can finally sit down, I guess I sometimes don’t have the buoyancy left for “fun things”.

It is injustice I do to my feisty Angel who is really full of energy and life, but sometimes quelled by my incompetence to keep up.

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Having just read Angie’s birth story in the car, and also Serene’s birth story at home (do get acquainted with these 2 inspiring Singaporean homeschooling moms), it assures me that God has women wonderfully made and giving birth is nothing that needs a lot of intervention.

This is a personal conviction of mine after giving birth to the Angel fairly quickly in the hospital some 5 years ago.

By the time I was due to deliver the Other Angel, my only worry was how to breathe during labour as I remember that it is important to stay calm and breathe or one might go into distress and result in a delay in labour.

I barely made it to the hospital in time to deliver the Other Angel. I spent 5 minutes in the delivery ward and miraculously, my gynae appeared (she was upstairs for an emergency case) in time to ‘catch’ our Other Angel! Upon hearing the nurses called Dr Liauw, I pushed my Other Angel into the world.

I remember from my first labour that nature has it’s way with your body.

As long as you let your body do it’s work during labour, everything will fall into place.
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Yes, she explains my dormant blog for the past 1 year!

Our Other Angel who has recently turned 1!

You can be sure, I’m now back, and definitely, back blogging with a vengeance! Hehehe ….

My update and post on eczema has brought on many comments from parents who understand and who are going through what dealing with an eczema child is like. Through parents from various countries who share openly about the difficult situations they are coping with and finding parallel in many areas of coping and handling eczema, it brings to mind that we are not alone in this ‘fight’ against the eczema beast.

I have dedicated most of my time and effort since my last post on helping the Angel with her eczema. No effort or time is spared to ensure that we achieve eczema-free days. We keep to a daily regime of routine and attention that have brought us so far to our mostly eczema-free days. The month of April was the sweetest time of our lives since our return!

There are still bad days when our quality of life is severely affected but those have been the occassional days rather than the norm until recently!!!

Fighting the eczema beast in Singapore has been a steep learning curve at times but through love, patience and karuna (and constantly asking for more of these three qualities in my life), we have managed to bring life to a normalcy.

I throw my life out of tangent, socialise only with those who understand my constraints, do the minimal required in a day, and focus entirely on the Angel.

Having not kept up with blog reading, I recently read a post from Mel (Perspective of Life in a Different Pasture) who has very kindly dedicated a post on ‘Coping with Eczema‘ to me when I asked about how she coped with her eczema child in Singapore. Many, many thanks for such a generous gesture, Mel!

I cope with the Angel’s eczema (sans steroid, sans medication) through a few simple ways :
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I’m currently a little tired out by everything that is happening but one thing I try not to give up on is reducing our family’s carbon imprint.

Annie Leonard‘s powerful and simple to understand video of ‘The Story of Stuff’ is a must watch for everyone.

This video resounds in my mind so loudly and I agree with very much of what she has to say, especially when I’m back home to see all that consumerism in our society – the compalling buy buy syndrome.

Is there really no end to buying?

If you think you aren’t going to sit through that 20 minute video, start from the Consumption part (yes, you can select different parts for viewing), it might just speak volume about to you.

It has been a long hiatus and my blog has been dormant for months – almost five months have past!

Having crossed continents and settling into life back ‘home’ has taken a lot of getting used to, what with the extreme weather difference and hitting back into the culture which we have not been so immersed in since our stint in UK. It is inevitable that we are looking at every aspect of our lives with a new found consciousness. This is the uncomplicated part of our new lives.

Our current struggle lies in helping the Angel acclimatize to the sultry weather.

The two week tolerance level reached its peak upon our return and by the second week, her eczema took a turn for the worst and we have been going downhill and  fluctuating since then. Currently, her body simply cannot adjust to the hot, hot weather here and she is a perpetual ‘furnace’.

In a nutshell, we went back to that elusive sleep, vicious cycle of scratching, broken skin, lots of crying, sadness, frustration. If life is anything to go by, it must be having a child who is enjoying her life and not suffering through it.

Again, I learn, all over, to cope with her eczema in an entirely new environment. I admit, I made the mistake of not following my maternal instinct, that maternal prompting.

When we were back, the Angel was on her eczema free days. She was a beautiful child and she was enjoying her time in Singapore. We spent two wonderful nights at the beautiful Amara Scantuary Resort at Sentosa before settling into a temporary home and then full time work for both of us.

By the time we started to settle into the routines of life here, and it was time for me to go to work, the Angel was still as beautiful. For the first time in our lives, we both had to leave her to my parents while we left for work. If we had a moment, I think we would have cried in each other’s arms. Our brief moments in the lift left us both so touched by her bravery and her adaptability. She gave us many hugs before we left but not a single whine or cry. She said her goodbyes so easily, we were the ones who felt we could not leave her behind. It wasn’t separation anxiety on our part, as someone out it, but rather, it was a kind of sadness in leaving her to someone else, albeit grandparents. I guess we were so used to having her with either of us.

 Anyway, those were the good days.

 All I can say now is, I did not stick to my maternal prompting and put my foot down on what I can say is a stop to allowing the eczema to flare up or perhaps, like the doctor said, there is a level of tolerance and by the end of the second week, I have a very broken child, whose physical body is overtaken by the severity of such acute eczema that emotionally, she is all broken and totally dependent on me.

I had to seek medical help, work from home, deal with a child who cannot cope with the environment. I retreated, once again, into my own world; I dreaded meeting people – it is true what I have said before, wherever I go, I get stares or advices from everyone who has something to say about her condition. Nothing makes it easier for me to explain to them that my child is currently suffering from severe eczema and yes, I am under the best medical care. I have recommendations from strangers to see doctors all over, even to KL or someone with something so hurtful to say (ouch!) about my child that frankly, I was no longer interested to go out.

 For a long time, I fell into depression. I didn’t want to see anyone because no one understands what it means to have a child with eczema. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who thinks that I’m not doing anything right or who comes with advices that I have to follow. I didn’t want to socialise because no one understands my constraints and difficulties. I closed all doors and only those who are close enough and who understands all that emotional stress that I am going through are allowed in because I do not have any energy left to explain. I was simply overwhelmed with tiredness and my physical body is not at its tip to handle any of this in one go.

All I can say now is, things are looking up. I spend all my waking and sleeping moments on the Angel. My relentless efforts are aimed at building up her skin barrier dysfunctions and only when the physical body of an eczema child is built up, then can the emotional needs be met easier. I see for myself how the Angel fell, from the most beautiful child and such an amazingly adaptable one to a totally broken child because her physical body is giving her all the trouble.

I learn to stay away from people who make my job so much harder; I desperately need to heal myself and seek encouragement to go on because this can be such a daunting, disheartening and endless task at times that all I can say is, I haven’t found a replacement yet. I learn to put my foot down, I learn to say ‘no’, I learn that whatever I do, I meet the Angel’s needs and I know then, that life will be beautiful again. I know it is hard for anyone to comprehend what I am doing but in the long run, I will have a beautiful child and then, I can repair whatever is broken. At times, it is no point talking till the cows go home, because it takes the main caregiver to know what it means to handle a child with eczema.

At the same time, I quit socialising. I’m sorry to all those friends and family whom I cannot meet and I’m eternally thankful to those who understand more than judge what I’m going through or who understand my needs to be home most of the time and to stick to the Angel’s routines. Something’s gotta give.

With medical care, I believe that I have finally found THE doctor (Dr T.Thirumoorthy) who understands more about handling eczema and being a mother to a child with eczema than anyone I have ever met. I used to meet him once in two weeks; I call those sessions MY therapy sessions because I ALWAYS walk out of the clinic knowing that I can continue to do what I’m doing for the Angel despite the desire to throw in the towel at times. He encourages me that with my knowledge on eczema, all I need now is to perserve on and imagine that I’m running a marathon. I know now why my parents call him the miracle doctor. No, he did not miraculously heal the Angel and I didn’t expect anyone to, and I went along to the doctor because my parents believe that he would. Little did they know that he did more good than anyone has done on earth for me to handle the Angel. So, YES, he is the MIRACLE doctor. If I think that I cannot go on anymore, he will be the person I will turn to because I know that I will walk out of his clinic knowing “that’s why God makes mothers”.

Visitng consultant, Professor Hugo, at NSC, helps us with the Angel’s allergies. Again, he is another doctor who plays a part in assuring me that there are good doctors out there who take a real and keen interest in each individual child and who is NOT one who just wants to whisk you out of his clinic to see the next patient. With him, we want to test out the allergies (known or unknown) that the Angel is saddled with and hopefully, knowing the leakages can help us to handle the acute eczema.  

 Lastly, the Angel is also under the care of an experienced Chinese sinseh who understands what eczema is all about. I believe that TCM works from inside out and heals the body than treats just the prevailing condition. The challenge was in looking for one who is experienced in eczema and most importantly,  without prescribing dubious cream. Having found Dr Wong from Chee Seng Tong is another prayer answered, thanks to a friend’s recommendation. He himself told me my child has eczema (severe) and I’m in for the long haul. Had he told me that he had some miracle cream, I knew I would have walked out of the clinic. With him, we discuss diet control. Being aware of how some strong chinese medication can harm a person’s liver, I’m glad each prescription comes with a proper ingredient list with dosage which I keep a record of.

I spent the whole of my last month not leaving the Angel at all and she was almost completely healed. We reached almost some form of eczema free days but few days ago, I, again, made the mistake of leaving her, just for a mere three hours to tend to some school work, and I came home to an all scratched-up child. My heart is broken and there is a lot of repair to be done again but I assure you, life is looking better and I know I can go on.

We have found the dream home that gives us the peace, the coolness, the quality of life that we need to move on and we are grateful. After three months into work (although I was working from home most of the time, with heartfelt gratitude to my superiors), I am now a SAHM. God has shown me many humbling moments and I can’t be more grateful. On Christmas day, my home was filled with warmth by three sets of people who came and cheered up my life. It makes me think that I’m ready to meet people again. We spent the New Year at the ‘highlands’ in Malaysia, just to find a respite from the heat for the Angel so that she could go out into the great outdoors when there is daylight. Those two days did wonders for her soul and she finally gave herself and me long hours of sleep.

I am now looking for a support group in Singapore with regards to handling children with eczema. We gather from doctors the statistics of children with eczema in Singapore is astonishing. Having the knowledge to deal with eczema is so important and I hope I can not only share mine, but learn from other parents as well. Parents who deal with children with eczema need a lot of support and help and I’m sure building a community of practice of sort will help parents go a long way.

I am going to be back at blogging and catching up on blog reading. My friends, you will hear from me soon. I have given all my time to my work and my child and now, I think it is time to come out, a little of my world, to socialise, to talk, to hold discourses again. I’m still a keen parent on observing my child, and homeschooling, despite the mounting challenges I face.

It is the new year and it signals a new beginning to a good start and I embrace that. A peaceful and happy new year to everyone!

Terribly sorry about my ‘disappearance’; too much has been and is happening and with packing life into boxes and still trying to get as much out of life, blogging time has to be compromised.

 However, I’ll be back! Watch my space!

Sometime ago, I finally met my beloved and wise friend, D, on msn and we were having a discourse about being gracious.

Many incidents recently made me rethink life, people and graciousness again.

Over the last few weekends, I have had many situations that challenge my personal graciousness.

1) To make a long story short, we were treated very rudely and inflexibly by an organiser of a fair. Only upon insistence, with as much grace as I could muster but remaining steadfast in my point of view, did I get a fair chance. Despite my difficulty, I tried to make provisions and work within the organiser’s difficulty. However, the inflexibility of humans, the lack of empathy, the choice of words and tone all led me to think what it is to be gracious.

2) In that very same fair, I walked around with my box of fruit cake and offered it to a lady who was selling some ale. We had a short talk about her product and how bad her sales had been for the day. I thought I could boost up her sale a little (not that it’d be worth a lot) as well as offer something to guests at my place. In that short exchange, I received an insult from the lady that I was a ‘stingy host’ (but of generous character to share my cake) just because I was not ready to purchase a box of four big bottles of ale for my guests. She called me a ‘stingy host’ twice. My initial idea was to buy a bottle as drinking is not our culture and neither do I have the luxury to spend. I stopped short at explaining myself and walked away gracefully, as well as having a good laugh, by telling her that I wouldn’t be buying for that moment and had to go think about my ‘stingy-ness’, as she so labelled me. I also walked away wondering about why she was so quick to judge me.

3) Some weeks ago, we spent a weekend at North Wales (yes, we finally saw Wales). The Snowdonia Mountains shared almost the same gorgeous look as the Wicklow Mountain in Ireland (my favourite mountain on earth) but the entire experience with the Welsh sent the experience back. The alternative dad had two conversations with a man who only spoke through his caravan (no, he did not even see his face and had to literally ‘shout’ to hold a conversation); we were told ‘not a chance’ to pass through another driveway by yet another man who refused to be flexible or listen to our needs. We spent the night in our caravan at a carpark. It was weird. It felt as if people could not care less what your problem was, as long as it wasn’t theirs.

4) My inlaws and family came for a visit and I had to severely compromise my time, routine and discipline with the Angel. I was gracious to a certain point where I felt that I needed to sort out my thoughts. I had to get out of the situation (hid in the room and cried my heart out) and then stepped in with grace to handle the Angel. It wasn’t anyone’s fault in general but I learn that graciousness can only come when it is within a person’s limits to handle. When I’m only given the Angel at times of need, I felt my role as a mother severely compromised and challenged. I did not have enough graciousness to understand that it would be only a passing period but then again, I am having a hard time thereafter in picking up the pieces of a disarray child after everyone is gone.

So, what is being gracious?

A quick google brings up gracious as characterised by kindness, warm courtesy, tact and propriety; being pleasantly indulgent, especially towards an inferior, and only one definition includes generosity of spirit.

When I was put in the challenging situation (1), I had the chance to share my view with an older lady who was there to witness the rude treatment that was rendered. In our lively conversation, she told me how true it is that people could have handled situations differently, and with age comes wisdom, flexibility, empathy; She emphasised on the need to listen and understand instead of saying ‘no’ all the time.

In my discourse with my friend, she said that being gracious takes time for changes to happen and that graciousness must begin with the adults, with the teachers, with parents, so that children can learn. She is right.

While we did find older people tend to be wiser with life’s experiences, there are others who are more set in their ways and more demanding, more negative.

In my opinion, being gracious is not only about being pleasant, kind and courteous but it is in that generosity of spirit which it all lies – the social graces, the civic-mindedness, the empathy, the tolerance. It includes being flexible, listening, empathising and understanding. There are so many times in life, when I think it just takes a little to be more gracious but it seems to be very difficult, perhaps because we are so short of listening, short of empathising, short of understanding.

The environment is very important to making us gracious. My friend said that graciousness must begin with the adults and she is absolutely right. How can our children be gracious when we ourselves are not?

Yet, at the same time, I believe that the conditions in the environment must be set right for graciousness to happen. There is an example which I can think of clearly, partly because of my exposure to the education system here, albeit short and interspersed with many absences.

In the UK tertiary education, everyone excels. I haven’t walked out of the class feeling defeated. Assignments and work are graded acording to merit and set rubrics. The grades that you achieve for yourself is set against the rubrics and everyone can score a First Class Honours if he so meets the standard.

In the Singapore tertiary education, a quota is set for those who deserve such honours. Rubrics are there as a guide but the quota sets one apart from that line of honour. You don’t get it not because you do not meet the requirements but because the number has been reached. You are just another number below.

In such an environment, I’m not sure if everyone can be gracious. Perhaps it is hard for the generosity of spirit to take place where one might cause oneself more detriment than good, so to speak, if one shares all. The environment doesn’t encourage the graciousness. Yes, we talk about excellence but possibly, without the character. My friend is right, it probably isn’t so much more of the environment than the examples set by the older people. After all, it is the older people who set the rules.

Sadly, the lack of graciousness is evident among many young people we have met, even when they are now set in a more gracious setting. We have overheard young people who felt that it was their entitlement to using up resources just because they have ‘paid their fees’ or that they would not want the trouble to organise an activity but they would enjoy it if others would take up that job, just don’t ask them to do it. Where is that generosity of spirit to serve without expecting something in return?

I remember once reading in a forum about a needy mother asking for baby products. The request for help turned into an accusation by donors and lengthy explanation from the mother. Again, where is the generosity of that spirit to give? Why so many judgements?

I remember how our ex-PM, Mr Goh Chok Tong mooted the campaign of “Towards a Gracious Society” more than 10 years ago and curious to see how it is going, I googled to find this speech which is worth reading (Singaporeans as ‘pigs’?).

Do I want to wait till I’m old to become more gracious? Does the Angel have to wait till she is wiser, with more experiences in life to become more gracious? I don’t think so. I think being gracious is like a good attitude which can eat into us and become our way of life and likewise, being ungracious will do that same. It is harder to unlearn than to learn, so we really need to start teaching our children to be gracious from young, that graciousness that is characterized by not only warm courtesy and pleasant kindess but most of all, generosity of the spirit. But before we start teaching, we ourselves, too, have to learn to be gracious, benevolent, rather than being so caught up in trying to be first, trying to win, trying to be the best and forget or purposefully want others to be left behind. It is not in the taking or the having of everything, it is not in the using of all resources, just because we have paid our dues. It really is about the spirit to give, to share.

It is very hard for me to be gracious when I find myself challenged by people who are not exactly gracious, who keeps demanding in very stressful circumstances. But that is where I think I should be truly gracious and learn to walk out of such situations gracefully and not to be yielded into such situations. I need to stop judging and move on.

It’s true, isn’t it, “it is not just the meritocracy nor the beautiful buildings. But …. the people … the values of its citizens.” The words of Mr Lim Biow Chuan sounds clear enough, “…. to be kinder, to be grateful to others, to be more considerate, to be humble, and to constantly be an encourager of our fellow citizens.”

Get it up, bring it on, that graciouness, that generosity of spirit, that will definitely make the world a better place. I’m learning and trying, too ….

So, the Angel has turned three and each year this time, I have the most excitement admist my busiest time.

Our Scottish friend, A, travelled all the way down from the Borders to celebrate the day with the Angel as it is also her birthday! What a lovely afternoon of chicken rice and quiet celebration and the company of splendid sunshine!

We had a barbeque this year and it was such a bash. Everyone brought along some food which added on to the pile! I really enjoyed having all those friends around and everyone talking to just about everyone else. It was meant to be some sort of a farewell party since very soon, we will be packing and leaving.

Most importantly, the Angel was happy.

Each year this time, I have many things to be thankful for.

When the Angel turned one, I was thankful that I made my first few friends in the UK. I’m eternally grateful to have C. as my faithful friend here. When the Angel was one, the party wasn’t so much of hers than ours!

When the Angel turned two, I was extremely thankful that she self-weaned off breastfeeding. At that point, I no longer enjoyed breastfeeding and was advised a ‘cruel’ way to wean her off. I held it off for as long as I could and thank God! She self-weaned, and before she was two, it was all over for me! I also learnt that the birthday song can be very calming for a child when it has meaning to her. The Angel really liked the birthday song session and when she had her upset moments, singing the birthday song gave the most soothing and calming effect above all else.

Just as the Angel was turning three, she finally discovered for herself the ‘solution’ to her habitual night scratching. She has finally released us of those endless nights which had rendered me helpless and hopeless and her sleepless and bloody. Now, we generally enjoy a good night sleep and even if she is awaken, the habits of the past surface for only a short duration or none at all. Sleep is still sweet. Amazingly, for the first time in donkey months, the Angel went to sleep with the alternative dad with no fuss.

As for me, I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours and I feel as if I can still go on. I realise that the Angel’s birthday holds more meaning now for me than my own. In the quietness of the night, where finally everyone is asleep and I have the house to myself, I wish that sleep will steal upon me in this euphoric state of mind.