Do you see any situations where giving a concrete reward like food, is relevant?

Thanks for a terrific post!

i always imagine that raising kids should be somewhat similar to running a company and country and i ask myself, what would the CEO or PM have done in this case. their similarity:

example 1, company:
- the normal carrot = my paycheque for carrying out my duty
- the special carrot = bonuses and increments dished out for a job super well done
- the cane = big white envelope for not doing my job well

example 2, country:
- the carrot = fulfil the criteria as listed in pr application and i get to stay in my adopted counrty
- the super carrot = have more babies, get baby bonus
- the cane = break any law, go to jail and lose my pr status

when applied to cairo (soon):
- the carrot = we offer words of encouragement and approval plus smiles whenever cairo is following instructions
- the super carrot = treats for doing anything above and beyond the call of duty (say, forsaking her usual playtime (which is all the time now, duh) to help me with my chore instead - though so far she’s only good as a gopher)
- the cane = being rude on purpose, using tear drops and loud screams are bargaining chips etc

i think that the reward system must always work hand in hand with the rod (to be used sparingly though), otherwise we wont have the need for prisons and fines anymore…

and since most of us are working for money (and hopefully there’s interest and a good cause in it also), why would we teach our kids a different set of rules (for the sake of doin it…enjoy the process blah blah blah) only to have them re-learn the ways of the world upon graduation into adulthood? nothing is wrong with appreciating the carrot i say.

the difficult part is in negotiating with the brats what’s worth a carrot and what should be super carrot, i think :p

Perhaps years ago, in my society, when people had to struggle with their basic needs, food as a reward is probably a form of motivation. Nowadays, in our societies, food is such a surplus that children waste rather than appreciate food. But where basic needs are not met, maybe food can be a concrete form of reward?

This really brings to mine a story where a family was too poor to afford any meat with their rice and everyday, they would enjoy their plain rice while looking at a huge picture of a whole chicken and pretending that they were having their plain rice with the delectable chicken which was so out of reach. Under such a circumstance, maybe the child in that family will be very motivated to learn, to excel, perhaps so that one day, he can have the real chicken. That perhaps is the reward he aims for or a reward that will work on him. I can’t think of any food that will entice our children now, except fast food, candies, chocolates (junk food?)! Some of such food is not even enticing because they can have it anytime.

I see food in two categories - to meet basic needs or treats. We don’t deprive our children of basic needs unless we are in dire circumstances where we cannot provide. Treats are ‘luxury’ food that we can go without in our daily lives but are nice-to-haves.

Because I felt ‘blackmailed’ by my daughter into giving her candies, I no longer use it as a form of reward. In fact, for candies, we enjoy it when we want to give ourselves special treats, like when we go on a long journey and feeling happy or when sometimes, I just want to give her a surprise, or sometimes, she’d just tell me, “I feel like eating a candy.” Because it is not habitual and it really seems like a treat we give ourselves occasionally, it also becomes something that is enjoyed with control.

Therefore, in my opinion, I prefer to use food to serve its purpose - to meet essential needs or as an enjoyment.

While I do not use food as a concrete reward, I must say that I have used food to condition my child, such as from the beginning, I would give my child food while sitting in the pram or car seat. It isn’t a reward for sitting but it has become some form of conditioning that my daughter likes to have something to eat while sitting in the pram or car seat.

Thanks for asking New Parent. What about you? Have you ever used it? *smile*

I have no qualms about discipline through rewards. It might be a good and fun way for kids to achieve some goals, say if I get 10 stars, Dad will buy me a toy or I feel proud that I’ve been a good boy or girl.

As for acquisition of knowlege, like a young child picking up words, and absorbing in knowlege around him/her, there should be a inane desire for her/him to want to learn for the sake of learning, that is wanting to find out, wanting to do things for him/herself. I used Montessori methods for Ryan and indeed I see that children have a natural desire to learn and we want to nurture that because this will go with them a long way (we are talking about life-long learning here). I won’t want to ruin it with a reward system.

Just my little thoughts on the subject.

Like you, I see food as a necessity or a pleasure or a learning tool, but not as part of a reward system.

I believe different parents use different strokes which ultimately depends on our bottomline line. As I read your comments and thoughts about my reply, I am more enlightened about the reason for my choice of parenting style.

Ultimately, I guess, parents bring up children to want the best for them. Do you remember your parents telling you, when you were young, that you better study hard, otherwise, you will grow up to ‘pour shit’ (in dialect) or become a rubbish collector. Then, I think, all our parents wanted us to be academically inclined because, to them, that is the way for us to earn a decent living and respect and enjoy a better life in the future (majority are not literate themselves). So, the alternative dad and I were discussing what would happen one day if the Angel did not skew towards academic inclination. ‘Pouring shit’ doesn’t work anymore as a ‘rubbish collector’ now earns more than some other kinds of work and most of all, I teach the Angel to have a lot of respect for these people who clean up for us. So, where does that leave us?

For example, in Mark’s case, he might be conditioned to be competitive from young, perhaps, from the way he is being rewarded to ‘perform’. Would he eventually see learning as a form of winning or losing?

For us, we are driven towards our child being gracious (our nation is driving towards a gracious society but we can’t just want people to become gracious without making the conditions to make gracious people - for example, in a very competitive society, is it easy to be gracious?) and passionate (about life, about learning). Therefore, the reward system doesn’t work for us because we do not want her to be conditioned in that way. Do and learn because we have to, want to, not because there is something at the end of it. Learn about it is worth learning.

And I do agree with you, when there is a reward system, there will come a point to negotiate about the carrots and super carrots and we have to keep up with the stakes (which will get bigger and bigger).

I see your point about using reward when teaching discipline. To me, it was an easy way out, but for the reasons above, I stop it.

Like you, I believe in life-long learning. Do you think lifelong learning can be instilled for discipline, too?

For me, I do not use reward system too. I feel that using a reward system is not the best way to get our child to do what is expected of him/her to do. So, if a child is rewarded after doing certain task, what if there is no reward, does that means that the child will not do the task at all?

I would prefer to let the child know what his/her responsibilities are and why he/she should be responsible for it. And by doing it, it should be a joy and not a chore (unpleasant task). I always explain to Grace that whenever she completed doing something, be it packing her toys, putting her pillows and blanket away every morning, or helping mommy with the laundry, she is doing the basic of what she is supposed to do. And that pleases her mommy (me!).

As for reward, it is a treat NOT a must (and it does not happen every time just occasionally). Whenever she does something, be it for herself or for the family, she must do it without having any reward in mind. But I will give her her needed praises and encouragements. Praises must never be overly done lest it lose it effectiveness.

I realised this make her a happy child, easily contented and know what is expected of her. And I, a happy mom! (smile)

Once again, thanks for sharing this! It’s truly enlightening to know.