What Will You Be?

Has anyone every asked your child what she would like to be when she grows up?

My Angel has gone from being a fighter jet pilot to becoming a teacher, a doctor and now, an engineer.

Yesterday, she had a really interesting conversation with a lovely friend of mine.

AA : What would you like to be when you grow up?

Angel : I’d like to be like my papa, I want to be an engineer.

AA : Don’t you want to be like your mother when you grow up? Be a SAHM and look after your children?

Angel : I want to be like my papa, I want to be an engineer.

AA : Don’t you want to stay at home and look after your children?

Angel : I want to be like my papa.

AA : Hmmm…. but don’t you want to stay at home to look after your children?

Angel : I still want to be like my papa. PAUSE ….. Hmmmmm…. my papa is a man, how can I be like him? *Laugh loudly!*

When I was young, my mom didn’t sell me the idea of being a SAHM, except to be someone useful. I’m now completely sold to be a SAHM and I think I easily become one because my mom was one and I could easily see how important it was to have a SAHM in the house when I was growing up.

What would my girls grow up to be? It’s probably time to start selling them the idea ….

To understand the background a little better, the Other Angel is a gorger and currently, a screamer (more about her later).

If you can then imagine, she, who loves food, can’t eat it will scream her heart out!

Two days after I’ve introduced this rule to the Angel, I was eating Swiss roll. I was famished and tired from preparing dinner and really needed a quick bite to replenish the depleted energy while serving the Angel.

She came sobbing to me, “Mom! I want to eat the Swiss roll but I know I can’t. You shouldn’t eat the Swiss roll in front of me!”

Then she ran away.

I was in shock in between my bite of Swiss roll. She had conveyed with profound truth my rude manner (usually I’m really careful what I eat before her as to eliminate the exclusion factor and we try not have anything that she can’t eat at home).

I finished up my Swiss roll and she came back to the table for her food. I apologised and we both went into a discourse about food and eating with others and her sister.

We concluded that her sister is unable to exercise self-control so we have to protect her, while we try to think of ideas to help her with her screaming bit. More importantly, she walked away this the notion that she can’t dictate what others eat and should not impose our ‘can’ts’ (can’t eat, can’t do) on others. The Angel has decided that it is better for her to enjoy others’ company – travel, visit friends, try other restaurants, rather than demand that no one has food she can’t have.

For me, I know from my heart that the Angel hardly has the issue of dealing with what others are eating. She often finds alternatives, walk away, or the most, she’d give a sigh and says, “Oh, I can’t have that but never mind. Maybe next time.”

In fact, I often cringe when friends bring food that she can’t have or children tell her in her face, “Oh, I’m eating this but you can’t have it.” She has always handled such situations graciously but I feel downright lousy for being the one this time.I walk away humbly, with this lesson in parenting, “Do Unto Others What You Want Others to Do Unto You”. I set the rule that the Angel is not to eat anything that the Other Angel can’t have and I myself did not abide by the rule to her.

I set her off by having a rule which I did not keep.

Parenting is remembering and setting the example.

She wailed for 15 minutes, and in all, took 25 minutes to be ready for breakfast. By then, breakfast was over, except for a glass of milk. She was given 10 minutes to get ready since she started on her ‘NOT FAIR” frenzy.

Fair – definitely not a word I want to introduce to my children.

What is fairness?

Is it fair than that our children have so much and others have none? Is it fair that other children are orphaned or have to go hungry daily? Is it fair that we get what we want or none at all?

The Angel picks up very quickly from her peers and people around her. I have noticed the use of the word ‘fair’ in our social circle recently and I am just waiting for it to be used by her.

Now that she has displayed it, I took the opportunity to shout explain it to her (albeit a little frustrated) and hope that it sticks.

I don’t want the Angels to grow up measuring fairness or even using the word.

Life isn’t about fairness but about appreciation, thankfulness, gratefulness.

Is life ever fair? Is it even worth thinking along this line?

And with children, it’d be endless someday if each Angel has different privileges or opportunities and if we get “being fair” shouting across to us.

I know the next word the Angel might use is “jealous” but I’m waiting to see. Again, it’s not a word we have introduced to her but the people around her are either using it or asking if she is jealous at all about her sister.

Let’s wait and see how it’d come out ……

Ah, parenting, it can also be a waiting game.

This is a personal conviction of mine after giving birth to the Angel fairly quickly in the hospital some 5 years ago.

By the time I was due to deliver the Other Angel, my only worry was how to breathe during labour as I remember that it is important to stay calm and breathe or one might go into distress and result in a delay in labour.

I barely made it to the hospital in time to deliver the Other Angel. I spent 5 minutes in the delivery ward and miraculously, my gynae appeared (she was upstairs for an emergency case) in time to ‘catch’ our Other Angel! Upon hearing the nurses called Dr Liauw, I pushed my Other Angel into the world.

I remember from my first labour that nature has it’s way with your body.

As long as you let your body do it’s work during labour, everything will fall into place.

1) The body will purge itself of motion or food by allowing you time to get all these done before it is in labour. I cleared my bowels automatically before my 2nd labour and as usual, vomitted out my undigested food (again, I ate thinking that it’d be a while before labour) as I approached my 2nd stage of labour.

2) I suffer no tear from my labour and it is absolutely possible. You walk better after labour! I was absolutely alert after labour and ravenous! The first thing I did was thank my gynae who appeared out of nowhere – seriously, given just 15 mins (that was the amount of time I spent in the hospital from arriving to delivering), I won’t have expected she’d make it!

3) Nurse the baby immediately after birth. It really does make a difference. Even if you are tired from labour, just do it. I was totally alert and I guess it’s the surge of adrenalin that keeps one high after giving birth. I didn’t do it with the Angel and learnt from my mistake.

4) I regret not having the Other Angel in the room but had her put in the nursery. We both thought that it’d be a chance to rest but on hindsight, a 1 day old baby must be really precious to behold and observe. IF I have Another Angel, I’d do it differently.

5) I was discharged after 1 night stay since there really wasn’t any need or incentive to stay in the hospital. I told the Alternative Dad the price is equivalent to a night stay at Ritz, which I’d prefer over, but he told me Ritz didn’t come with the nurses on call to help with the baby. Anyway, I went home and I also didn’t get my night at the Ritz. Hahah!

For anyone who is due to have a baby, I only have this simple advice, stay calm, breathe, endure the pain which can be over really soon if you are not in distress and hence, not prolong it.

As Mrs Wong Boh Boi used to empahsise in the pre-natal class, “Nature!” I have to agree. Nature has her way with your body and it is made for giving birth the easy, natural way.

And oh yes, prepare a CD for you in the delivery ward. Although I only spent 5 mins in the delivery ward, my husband understood the procedure very well. Music calms the mind and brings your mind and spirit to another realm.

Serene’s posts on Pregnancy and Labour are comprehensive and her experience telling. Definitely worth a read!

1) Learning through rewards

2) Value of Learning

Here’s what Gladys wrote :

“Hello AM,

I am interested to know your thoughts and that of other parents too.”

1) Learning through Rewards

Gladys has pointed out an interesting point about learning through reward. Let me share with you what I have experienced.

About five months ago, I thought I bought the most wonderful ‘toy’. It is a magnetic reward chart that allows me to write what I’d like the Angel to achieve and she will get a magnet for each achievement made and at the end of it, her rewards. Usually her rewards are treats like candies and maybe an outing. I even brought the chart on our trip to London as it was foldable and compact. When I started on it, I was all praise about the ‘toy’ I had. Less than two months after using it, I discarded the idea totally because I felt that it was backfiring on me. Why so?

A reward chart works on giving our children rewards on something they have to do. I was getting her to co-operate with some issues like using the potty to pass motion, eating like a princess, etc, until one day, my daughter told me, she was going to pass motion and she wanted a magnet and a candy. As days went by, I felt as if I was being ‘blackmailed’ into giving her candies or treats and her motivation seemed to be the magnets or the candies. She was still trying to do what was asked of her, but it was obvious where her motivation was coming from. After a few sessions of such blackmailing, I decided that it was enough and stopped using it. Instead, I refocus on getting her co-operation in other ways. As for treats like candies, we learn to enjoy having a candy occasionally (as a surprise, as a treat when we feel like it), rather than using candies as rewards. After my decision to stop using rewards, The New Parent posted one on Rewards and Punishments which is really worth reading.

Therefore, in the case of Mark, his parents use rewards as a form of learning for him – rewards to get him to fulfill his responsibility, demerit points when he errs to make him work harder towards his rewards. I’m not sure how far or how long this will go on. Rewards can only get more difficult to handle (for example, how long the reward of a magnet or candy be a lure to the Angel if I had continued to use it? I would probably have to give her more enticing rewards if I need her continnued co-operation).

When learning is learnt through rewards, what I have personally experienced is that the child will whole-heartedly co-operate when the reward is a lure but whether the learning is internalized or not, it is probably another matter altogether.

I’m not sure about Mark but the alternative dad always say that different pareting methods works on different children. I have first hand experience of a friend whose parenting style is that of rewarding her child with time to play on the computer if he abides by her demands. The child appeases the mother to do what she wants and gets his rewards but he does not exactly do what he is told wholeheartedly nor does he enjoy what is imposed on him. He looks forward only to the carrot that dangles.

2) Value of Learning

My idea about learning being ‘fun’ is more geared towards learning being meaningful. Is the learning meaingful to Mark given the points and reward system? Or is it the reward that has more meaning to him? I see it as the latter. And it is probably right to say that the lesson is “undervalued’, or in my words, not internalized.

While I like to make learning ‘fun’, I drive towards making learning meaningful, that is, to contextualise the learning. I have observed how eager parents are to make scholars out of their children through academic achievements but the learning they impose on their children to achieve the academic achievement is fixated to paper and pen and books. Why can’t we make learning meaningful everyday? If we make it meaningful, it becomes ‘fun’ because it is contextualised and meaningful.

When my daughter was ready and very eager to learn words, I thought of some meaningful ways to teach her to use phonics meaningfully. Since she has surprised me by having learnt all the sounds of the letters from toys and Starfall, I thought it is time to combine what she knows to help her use the phonics meaningfully. I put up a word wall for her and started with just a few words and pictures to illustrate the correct sounds. After a while, she either makes up sound herself from words she knows or discover words that we speak that begin with the appropriate sounds and will sound them out purposefully. I personally feel that in such a context, the learning has been internalized. We do not have to learn phonics confined to the toys, books or our word wall. Whenever we are in or out, on a journey or reading a book, we can discuss the word-sound relationships. This is the kind of learning I think we should teach our children – internalized and it is ‘fun’ because it is contextualised. I first learn it and then I see it everywhere I am where I can use it. It is not confined to the very books / toys where I have learnt it from.

Therefore, my thought on the value of learning is that, once it is meaningful and contextualised, it has its own ‘fun’ elements (because the children know why they are learning it – to use it in their daily lives) and most of all, when internalized, they last a lifetime. The children also learn because they want to learn more about it, learn deeper into it. Of course, I believe that later on, skills such as perseverance and determination need to be introduced and taught to escalate the learning.

I agree with you, Gladys, that the right emotions should be associated with learning. To me, it has been tried and tested in classes of children, if learning is contextualised and made meaingful, every child endeavors to do it, even if he has a learning difficulty, but at least the right emotions have been pulled. The simple fact that they are eager to go to class brings forth an open mind to learning. Where learning is internalised, I believe the value is ingrained.

I, too, would like to hear what others parents think of what Gladys has mentioned.

I have not and I have often witnessed how children are so magnetized by a playground (mine included) or who refuse to leave one (mine understands “last five minutes” and “when it’s time to go, we go”).

On the other hand, I have encountered children who dread going to schools or other places they are required to learn something.

What is it in a playground? A place where children expand their energy? A place where they find thrills, excitement, challenges? A place where they find other peers?

What is the fundamental difference between, say a school or place where a child learns and a playground where a child plays?

The two distinctive words are, ‘play‘ and ‘learn‘.

In definition :

Play : Engage in activity for enjoyment or recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.

Learn : Gain or acquire knowledge or skill in (something) by study, experience or being taught; commit to memory; become aware of something by information or observation.

Recently, both the Angel and I read a story about a cat and a dog who went to the playground but did not learn to share or play together until they realised that they needed each other to play on the see-saw. I then turned the story around and had a discussion about how the cat and dog eventually learned to play together.

In the end, we both changed the word ‘playground’ to ‘learn ground‘!

I came up with this idea partly by merging The New Parent’s question to his child, “Why are you a child?” and the answer is, “To learn.” (Somewhere in a comment.)

Isn’t it true indeed that children learn whatever life / people / situation has to teach from young? Doesn’t even have to be purposeful. We humans are geared to learn.

To contextualise it and make it meaningful, I brought the concept of learning to one of the places that children enjoy most – the ‘playground’.

We so often use the word ‘play’ to a child but how meaningful is the word? While I believe that playing is an enjoyment, personally, I find learning to be more of an enjoyment than playing. Somehow, ‘play’ doesn’t have as much a meaning as ‘learn’ in my life.

If we can bring this concept to our children, that going to the playground learn ground is learning how to use the slide, learning how to walk up the steps carefully, learning to sit on the swing safely, learning how to make friends, learning how to take turns, learning to play…. etc. Isn’t it true that all children begin by learning how to play on the various ‘equipments’? They don’t first play, they first learn how to.

And if we use learn ground instead of ‘playground’ and our children associate learning with an enjoyment (actually, learning IS an enjoyment but I don’t know how or where it got lost), then I think it is so much easier later on when we introduce learning other skills, be it in school or other places.

School is an important learn ground for children and if children already have positive feelings towards learning, perhaps less children will have the dread of going to schools and schools will have more positive and children eager to embrace learning. Of course, schools have their parts to maintain the learning spirit.

As for us, we now call the ‘playground’ learn ground and today, we changed ‘play group’ to learn group, too!

What do you think about introducing the word learn ground instead of playground to our children? And learn groups instead of play groups?

How I started :

I first read about baby signing as a form of communication in a parenting book (can’t remember which one now but it isn’t a very newly published book). It depicts a few pictures of how we can start signing. I introduced this concept to a friend who later came back to tell me about Signing Time. Thanks, C.

I started signing briefly to the Angel when she was about nine month-old, and then for fun when she turned one. Not having ready access to any signing materials, I made up my own signs with the Angel. We signed words that we used/talked about, such as animal words like, ‘rabbit’, everyday words like ‘thank you’, ‘please’. Gradually, the Angel started making up signs herself! That really amazed me and I fell in love with the wondrous language of signing.

Here’s why I love it :

1) From personal experience, signing enhances speech. Signing and speaking at the same time help the mother to talk more. I do not think that signing delays speech. People who met the Angel when she was about 16 months felt that her speech was slow. Where we are, her speech input then was mainly mine and her papa’s. I probably did not speak to her like an ultimate talking machine. Anyway, she is the talking machine now.

2) When you first start, sign words that you often use. When an adult signs and speaks, the child makes use of her auditory and visual senses. It can help a child to listen and look, very powerful tools later on when the child can speak.

3) Signing helps with creativity. We create signs ourselves from young (still creating) because we want to sign words which we use. We brainstorm and talk about how we can create signs and have had many fun moments. Nowadays, the Angel makes up more signs for me.

4) Signing can be used even after the child can speak. The Angel is going to be three in July and we have only received the Signing Time DVDs in February. We are still signing now and enjoying it even more.

5) Signing helps with spelling. The Signing Time DVD teaches the alphabet and we use it to spell and sign words as the Angel is too young to write words. I love the use of visual and audio cues for spelling. I can forsee how this can help her later on in her phonics and spelling, making it fun and interactive.

6) You can use signs anytime, anywhere. On our trips, we played games, such as guessing each other’s signs (this game is even more fun to play with people who do not know any signs!), spelt words by signing and made up more signs! No need to lug any materials!

7) Signing is a language on its own and facilitate communication. When the Angel is in distressed, too upset to speak, with a mouthful of food, or cannot be understood by others (sometimes speech inaccuracy), she signs to communicate what she needs. It gives another avenue for communication. Can work as a secret code (among ourselves) and communication with the hearing impaired, too!

Signing Time is a wonderful and engaging way to teach your child signing. I personally enjoy Signing Time because it uses reinforcement to teach signs, by using children. It is thematic and relate to children’s experiences and everyday life (age appropriate). In fact, because the children (Alex and Leah) ‘grow with the signs’, your child will grow with them, too. That makes it very real. Not only so, Signing Time teaches manners and sharing, life skills, very often through songs. I admit, I love Signing Time and I’m all praise for it.

Fret not if you don’t have Signing Time (it is quite dear); make up your own signs or share with others who have. I’m willing to pass mine round (currently sharing with a boy whom I’m teaching).

I can’t think of any demerits to signing except expecting your child to sign as if it is another task that must be done or to show off to someone. Leave it if your child doesn’t feel up to it. It really should be an additional language that is fun.

Is there anyone out there using baby signs, too?