Being Gracious - Start Young
July 19, 2007 2:10 pmSometime ago, I finally met my beloved and wise friend, D, on msn and we were having a discourse about being gracious.
Many incidents recently made me rethink life, people and graciousness again.
Over the last few weekends, I have had many situations that challenge my personal graciousness.
1) To make a long story short, we were treated very rudely and inflexibly by an organiser of a fair. Only upon insistence, with as much grace as I could muster but remaining steadfast in my point of view, did I get a fair chance. Despite my difficulty, I tried to make provisions and work within the organiser’s difficulty. However, the inflexibility of humans, the lack of empathy, the choice of words and tone all led me to think what it is to be gracious.
2) In that very same fair, I walked around with my box of fruit cake and offered it to a lady who was selling some ale. We had a short talk about her product and how bad her sales had been for the day. I thought I could boost up her sale a little (not that it’d be worth a lot) as well as offer something to guests at my place. In that short exchange, I received an insult from the lady that I was a ’stingy host’ (but of generous character to share my cake) just because I was not ready to purchase a box of four big bottles of ale for my guests. She called me a ’stingy host’ twice. My initial idea was to buy a bottle as drinking is not our culture and neither do I have the luxury to spend. I stopped short at explaining myself and walked away gracefully, as well as having a good laugh, by telling her that I wouldn’t be buying for that moment and had to go think about my ’stingy-ness’, as she so labelled me. I also walked away wondering about why she was so quick to judge me.
3) Some weeks ago, we spent a weekend at North Wales (yes, we finally saw Wales). The Snowdonia Mountains shared almost the same gorgeous look as the Wicklow Mountain in Ireland (my favourite mountain on earth) but the entire experience with the Welsh sent the experience back. The alternative dad had two conversations with a man who only spoke through his caravan (no, he did not even see his face and had to literally ’shout’ to hold a conversation); we were told ‘not a chance’ to pass through another driveway by yet another man who refused to be flexible or listen to our needs. We spent the night in our caravan at a carpark. It was weird. It felt as if people could not care less what your problem was, as long as it wasn’t theirs.
4) My inlaws and family came for a visit and I had to severely compromise my time, routine and discipline with the Angel. I was gracious to a certain point where I felt that I needed to sort out my thoughts. I had to get out of the situation (hid in the room and cried my heart out) and then stepped in with grace to handle the Angel. It wasn’t anyone’s fault in general but I learn that graciousness can only come when it is within a person’s limits to handle. When I’m only given the Angel at times of need, I felt my role as a mother severely compromised and challenged. I did not have enough graciousness to understand that it would be only a passing period but then again, I am having a hard time thereafter in picking up the pieces of a disarray child after everyone is gone.
So, what is being gracious?
A quick google brings up gracious as characterised by kindness, warm courtesy, tact and propriety; being pleasantly indulgent, especially towards an inferior, and only one definition includes generosity of spirit.
When I was put in the challenging situation (1), I had the chance to share my view with an older lady who was there to witness the rude treatment that was rendered. In our lively conversation, she told me how true it is that people could have handled situations differently, and with age comes wisdom, flexibility, empathy; She emphasised on the need to listen and understand instead of saying ‘no’ all the time.
In my discourse with my friend, she said that being gracious takes time for changes to happen and that graciousness must begin with the adults, with the teachers, with parents, so that children can learn. She is right.
While we did find older people tend to be wiser with life’s experiences, there are others who are more set in their ways and more demanding, more negative.
In my opinion, being gracious is not only about being pleasant, kind and courteous but it is in that generosity of spirit which it all lies - the social graces, the civic-mindedness, the empathy, the tolerance. It includes being flexible, listening, empathising and understanding. There are so many times in life, when I think it just takes a little to be more gracious but it seems to be very difficult, perhaps because we are so short of listening, short of empathising, short of understanding.
The environment is very important to making us gracious. My friend said that graciousness must begin with the adults and she is absolutely right. How can our children be gracious when we ourselves are not?
Yet, at the same time, I believe that the conditions in the environment must be set right for graciousness to happen. There is an example which I can think of clearly, partly because of my exposure to the education system here, albeit short and interspersed with many absences.
In the UK tertiary education, everyone excels. I haven’t walked out of the class feeling defeated. Assignments and work are graded acording to merit and set rubrics. The grades that you achieve for yourself is set against the rubrics and everyone can score a First Class Honours if he so meets the standard.
In the Singapore tertiary education, a quota is set for those who deserve such honours. Rubrics are there as a guide but the quota sets one apart from that line of honour. You don’t get it not because you do not meet the requirements but because the number has been reached. You are just another number below.
In such an environment, I’m not sure if everyone can be gracious. Perhaps it is hard for the generosity of spirit to take place where one might cause oneself more detriment than good, so to speak, if one shares all. The environment doesn’t encourage the graciousness. Yes, we talk about excellence but possibly, without the character. My friend is right, it probably isn’t so much more of the environment than the examples set by the older people. After all, it is the older people who set the rules.
Sadly, the lack of graciousness is evident among many young people we have met, even when they are now set in a more gracious setting. We have overheard young people who felt that it was their entitlement to using up resources just because they have ‘paid their fees’ or that they would not want the trouble to organise an activity but they would enjoy it if others would take up that job, just don’t ask them to do it. Where is that generosity of spirit to serve without expecting something in return?
I remember once reading in a forum about a needy mother asking for baby products. The request for help turned into an accusation by donors and lengthy explanation from the mother. Again, where is the generosity of that spirit to give? Why so many judgements?
I remember how our ex-PM, Mr Goh Chok Tong mooted the campaign of “Towards a Gracious Society” more than 10 years ago and curious to see how it is going, I googled to find this speech which is worth reading (Singaporeans as ‘pigs’?).
Do I want to wait till I’m old to become more gracious? Does the Angel have to wait till she is wiser, with more experiences in life to become more gracious? I don’t think so. I think being gracious is like a good attitude which can eat into us and become our way of life and likewise, being ungracious will do that same. It is harder to unlearn than to learn, so we really need to start teaching our children to be gracious from young, that graciousness that is characterized by not only warm courtesy and pleasant kindess but most of all, generosity of the spirit. But before we start teaching, we ourselves, too, have to learn to be gracious, benevolent, rather than being so caught up in trying to be first, trying to win, trying to be the best and forget or purposefully want others to be left behind. It is not in the taking or the having of everything, it is not in the using of all resources, just because we have paid our dues. It really is about the spirit to give, to share.
It is very hard for me to be gracious when I find myself challenged by people who are not exactly gracious, who keeps demanding in very stressful circumstances. But that is where I think I should be truly gracious and learn to walk out of such situations gracefully and not to be yielded into such situations. I need to stop judging and move on.
It’s true, isn’t it, “it is not just the meritocracy nor the beautiful buildings. But …. the people … the values of its citizens.” The words of Mr Lim Biow Chuan sounds clear enough, “…. to be kinder, to be grateful to others, to be more considerate, to be humble, and to constantly be an encourager of our fellow citizens.”
Get it up, bring it on, that graciouness, that generosity of spirit, that will definitely make the world a better place. I’m learning and trying, too ….
Categories: The Bigger Issues
12 Responses to “Being Gracious - Start Young”
Beautifully written and thank you for the gracious reminder to all, and for sharing that there are less than gracious people too at your end of the world.
Here, it seems that everywhere you turn, people just don’t care. It is the Malaysian way of life. I generalise but still. How many people don’t conserve water in a hotel just because they are paying for it? How many people know how to complain, bitch, moan, rant….but are not willing to make a difference? How many people won’t contribute until the same problem happens closer to home? I could go on….
You hit the nail that we, as adults, need to set good examples for our little ones. As they only learn from us. If we don’t work hard towards setting a precedence, imagine the future from where we already are!
In a world where apathy is growing and more and more people out there hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally; we need to rise above it all, smile and be gracious. I look at it as my personal challenge and an eventual judgement from God.
For only He is allowed to judge me.
Hello Big Pumpkin, nice to hear your thoughts!
I do think that people are generally more gracious here and are more conscious of their actions and environment. I have accepted more invitations from drivers to let me pass when I need to switch lane in just three years, as compared to driving in Singapore for almost eight years. When you get high beamed here, it means “please, you may go first”, NOT “get lost”!
There was no malice involved with those people I encountered at the fair and after working things out and walking out (from that stingy situation), it was all over.
I do have to agree with you that it is true, many of our Asian counterparts seem to prefer complaining more than making a difference and when a difference can be made, sometimes, they are equally unperturbed or just full of apathy, or worse, ungraciously claiming credits as theirs. Such ungracious behaviour sometimes turns me off from our culture and challenges me to rise up above such behaviour. Like you have said, smile and be gracious. = )
i totally agree with u, being gracious starts fom the adults…cause kids learn frm us
Hi Jazzmint, yes, kids really learn from us, don’t they? They also learn from other kids and those others kids also learn from other kids and adults. Well, if everyone just get the concept right, kids or adults alike, the world will be full of gracious people! How nice that’d be!
Very informative. So sorry about your experience at the fair.
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/
Hi Mike, nice to hear from you. It was a good experience and nothing too traumatising. =) It did come out good as it makes me think about life and people!
Hi AM–such a god post.
I think the difficulty with being gracious is that many cultures have no real support for it. There would need to be a foundation of grace and most cultures are not all that graceful–refined movement (kind words, thoughtful responses, etc.) and simple elegance (not quick to judge or demean) that leads to courteous goodwill.
Most humans are rough and “primitive” and are only gracious if they feel there’s something in it for them—quid pro quo. People do care, but mostly about how they can get something, not about how they can give more and help their neighbor.
Interestingly, if we teach our little ones to have grace, most other children will not know how to respond.
With all that, I still think we must teach our little ones to be graceful–it has to start somewhere and sometime. The more children we send out into this world with a foundation that includes grace, the more we may be able to alter things. Maybe?
Hi New Parent, thanks for your interesting thoughts.
When I was talking about human and grace to the alternative dad, he said the same thing, that humans are not naturally graceful, it is a learnt behaviour. I do agree with you on the ‘primitive’ human and when you mention “quid pro quo”, it really reminds me of what one of my lecturers said about altruism - “throw it out of the window”.
It’s interesting, too, how you note that “if we teach our little ones to have grace, most other children will not know how to respond”. In fact, I have another observation, most adults let children get away with being ungracious and accept it as part of childhood. I prefer to think that once we let them get used to living without grace, it will probably take a lot more to learn to be gracious.
If the theory of evolution holds, then maybe, “the more children we send out into this world with a foundation that includes grace, the more we may be able to alter things.” Maybe….
Hi!
Sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience. Coincidentally, these few days, I have been struggling with this issue of being “gracious” as well. How far do you go? When I treat a person nicely, with gracious-ness and generosity, I do not expect them to “kow-tau” to me, but expect them to appreciate the effort that I have made. However, with my experience so far, they eventually take things for granted, and get greedier and expect more. Sometimes, I even feel like I have taken advantage of! Where do you draw the line?
However, I will continue to be gracious, and teach my boy to be gracious. too.
Hi Mamamichelle, it’s nice to hear from you! Thanks for dropping by!
If being gracious is defined as “being pleasant, kind and courteous in that generosity of spirit which it all lies”, than you are right to say that there are times when people try to take advatange of our graciousness. I, too, have personally experienced that and over time, I have learnt that it’d be best to walk out of a situation in which we will be challenged in our graciousness. I am able to be gracious, for example, to keep giving to a point where I feel that by continuing to give, I will lose my graciousness, I’d back off.
Given the example above of the needy mother who was asking for baby stuff donations, I would give without judging (other donors wanted to know how she could be needy if she could have a car to pick up the stuff, or whether the needy mother was indeed poorer or richer than the donor themselves) - gracious giving. However, if the needy mother got to the point of demanding or revealed to be just a ‘fake needy’, I would back off gracefully. Whatever was given before in graciousness would remain so.
That will be where I will draw the line - the point where I know in giving, I cannot be generous anymore, where I will lose my graciousness and develop pernicious thoughts about the whole situation - “…. learn to walk out of such situations gracefully and not to be yielded into such situations….”
I think it’s a nice thought to “continue to be gracious, and teach my boy to be gracious, too.” Good one! =)
Really well written about graciousness. I totally agree with you.To me, graciousness comes with tolerance or the other way round. Just to share, i was travelling with 5 othersfor 30 days during an expediton in 2005 and its amazing how much tolerance is needed to put up with each individual’s idiosyncracies. I never knew men can be so whiny but boy were they. There were complains and remarks made about people around us (ie the locals) and how the people worked etc. I was thinking at that time, we are in another country and shouldn’t we be more flexible and just adapt to the situation or place? Of course for issues within reason. There is nothing we can do to change the locals or the local system but just bear with it, with patience.
Patience, graciousness, kindness, empathy… and the list goes on.
This statement in the article is something i totally believe and have
been teaching my students, “if our schools produce a top student with many “As” but who lacks humility and apathy for his fellow students, then the schools would have failed in their role as an educator as they have failed in building up the students.”
I had a class of brainys last year and boy were they arrogant. I
always tell them that if all they care about is results and how well
they have done compared to another schoolmate, then i have failed as a teacher. I suppose we are the few “weird” educators who believe that education is not about academic results or ranking but its about the kind of adults they become and the values that they will have later on.
My time in nz has been a great one as it is time well spent and not
lost as the experiences i have gained from people’s kindness and
generosity is amazing. I will be sharing these with people i meet,
though sometimes being caught in singapore’s rat race, i forget and
have to stop myself and regroup. When i do return to the education
service, it will be with “new eyes” and just hope that i will not get
caught in the race and lose myself.
Hi May, thanks for immortalising your thoughts here! =)
I, too, believe that education is not only about academic excellence and ranking but goes beyond that. Let’s bring our graciousness on to the classroom!
When you mentioned “the experiences i have gained from people’s kindness and generosity is amazing. I will be sharing these with people i meet … ” it really reminds me of the phrase, passing it forward. Yes, I think that is the best way constantly remind oursevles to keep that graciousness. Thanks for reminding!
[…] Parent’s List of Standards? Alternative Mom has a very interesting and heartfelt post up called “Being Gracious–start young.” I’m a big fan of the Alternative Mom’s blog and wanted to dovetail her thoughts into something […]
Thx for bringing it up and make me thinking, I have recently struggled so much to stay gracious with my in laws who I deemed ungracious and lack of empathy.
Since I work with children, I realised how important it’s to stay gracious with my words and deeds, not just in school, but in my personal life, so that it’s more of a overflow of my life instead of “do what i say but don’t do what i do”
Hi Lea, thanks for dropping by! Yeah, it can be really challenging when dealing with people who are ‘ungracious’ and still maintaining our graciousness. I prefer to keep away as far as possible from such imopssibly gracious situations in order to maintain my grace but I know how difficult it can be sometimes. Indeed, walking the talk sometimes just isn’t as easy! Thanks fro bringing it up!
Mrs chew,
wat ur msn???
lol.. i NEVER see u online on Msn before…
add me!
animedoc_cancer92@hotnail.com
thanksthanks
Hi Winny, added!!
personally, i feel that our eastern culture has evolved from cavemen’s “meat, me eat all” to “oh, i have some extra, let’s share” but will never reach the extent of “here, you take it all cos you need it more than i do, i’ll think of a way to settle my dinner”.
aren’t we all conditioned for self-preservation first? how much giving and self sacrifising is adequate for graciousness and how much more before we feel that we’re being taken advantage of?
the tertiaty education example you gave is darn good. i found of from my intern that out of the 100+ students who just graduated recently, only 2 was awarded 1st class honours. how do i teach my girl to share her notes etc with fellow classmates when it would mean less chance for her?
Hi Mom of Cairo, thanks for your insights! Yeah, I think in a society where we can afford to have more for ourelves, we can begin to share but you are right, self-preservation is a natural instinct, it takes a conscious effort to ‘fight’ it and it proably isn’t natural, anyway!
I guess self-sacrific and graciousness combined and being taken advantage of situations are tricky to define. Personally for me, at the end of the day, I prefer to be gracious to a point where I can be and back off when I have enough and not end up bad mouthing the other as having myself said as being taken advantaged off. Then again, it is hard to decide when and how and why.
Your statistic is interesting indeed! Can you ask your intern if the 2 first class honours ‘quota’ is maintained yearly? I’m interested to know that!
I’d teach my daughter to share notes because life is about sharing and if she doesn’t get her honour, well, I guess it is because she simply did not perform better than others who have the same material. The journey is more important than the destination, I want her to understand sharing as a part of life and personal achievements as separate. I may be wrong but I guess that is what it’d be my thinking for now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Mom of Cairo….interesting about the 1st class honours statistics. Couple years back, the best class (basically where all the most academically inclined students are) in the school i was teaching in had students who were not willing to share notes with their classmates for fear of their peers doing better than them in tests and exams. There were also cases of notes “disappearing” from their desks or not sharing information passed on by their teachers. It was bizarre and very disappointing because that’s what having the desire to excel academically has done to our youth.
I shudder when i think about the kind of adults these people will grow up to be and the values they will uphold.
Hi May, good to hear from you again! = ) The class you have taught before sounds pretty competitive! I, too, shudder to think what will become of them. What then do you think can possibly make them see the need to share?
Sorry..
the msn is something wrong..
Juz ignore watever i type..
dun go to tat website…
dun wan later the virus spread ti ur comp
thanxx for adding XD
Hi Winny, never mind, almost hardly on MSN!!!!
Care to comment?