Sometime ago, I finally met my beloved and wise friend, D, on msn and we were having a discourse about being gracious.

Many incidents recently made me rethink life, people and graciousness again.

Over the last few weekends, I have had many situations that challenge my personal graciousness.

1) To make a long story short, we were treated very rudely and inflexibly by an organiser of a fair. Only upon insistence, with as much grace as I could muster but remaining steadfast in my point of view, did I get a fair chance. Despite my difficulty, I tried to make provisions and work within the organiser’s difficulty. However, the inflexibility of humans, the lack of empathy, the choice of words and tone all led me to think what it is to be gracious.

2) In that very same fair, I walked around with my box of fruit cake and offered it to a lady who was selling some ale. We had a short talk about her product and how bad her sales had been for the day. I thought I could boost up her sale a little (not that it’d be worth a lot) as well as offer something to guests at my place. In that short exchange, I received an insult from the lady that I was a ’stingy host’ (but of generous character to share my cake) just because I was not ready to purchase a box of four big bottles of ale for my guests. She called me a ’stingy host’ twice. My initial idea was to buy a bottle as drinking is not our culture and neither do I have the luxury to spend. I stopped short at explaining myself and walked away gracefully, as well as having a good laugh, by telling her that I wouldn’t be buying for that moment and had to go think about my ’stingy-ness’, as she so labelled me. I also walked away wondering about why she was so quick to judge me.

3) Some weeks ago, we spent a weekend at North Wales (yes, we finally saw Wales). The Snowdonia Mountains shared almost the same gorgeous look as the Wicklow Mountain in Ireland (my favourite mountain on earth) but the entire experience with the Welsh sent the experience back. The alternative dad had two conversations with a man who only spoke through his caravan (no, he did not even see his face and had to literally ’shout’ to hold a conversation); we were told ‘not a chance’ to pass through another driveway by yet another man who refused to be flexible or listen to our needs. We spent the night in our caravan at a carpark. It was weird. It felt as if people could not care less what your problem was, as long as it wasn’t theirs.

4) My inlaws and family came for a visit and I had to severely compromise my time, routine and discipline with the Angel. I was gracious to a certain point where I felt that I needed to sort out my thoughts. I had to get out of the situation (hid in the room and cried my heart out) and then stepped in with grace to handle the Angel. It wasn’t anyone’s fault in general but I learn that graciousness can only come when it is within a person’s limits to handle. When I’m only given the Angel at times of need, I felt my role as a mother severely compromised and challenged. I did not have enough graciousness to understand that it would be only a passing period but then again, I am having a hard time thereafter in picking up the pieces of a disarray child after everyone is gone.

So, what is being gracious?

A quick google brings up gracious as characterised by kindness, warm courtesy, tact and propriety; being pleasantly indulgent, especially towards an inferior, and only one definition includes generosity of spirit.

When I was put in the challenging situation (1), I had the chance to share my view with an older lady who was there to witness the rude treatment that was rendered. In our lively conversation, she told me how true it is that people could have handled situations differently, and with age comes wisdom, flexibility, empathy; She emphasised on the need to listen and understand instead of saying ‘no’ all the time.

In my discourse with my friend, she said that being gracious takes time for changes to happen and that graciousness must begin with the adults, with the teachers, with parents, so that children can learn. She is right.

While we did find older people tend to be wiser with life’s experiences, there are others who are more set in their ways and more demanding, more negative.

In my opinion, being gracious is not only about being pleasant, kind and courteous but it is in that generosity of spirit which it all lies - the social graces, the civic-mindedness, the empathy, the tolerance. It includes being flexible, listening, empathising and understanding. There are so many times in life, when I think it just takes a little to be more gracious but it seems to be very difficult, perhaps because we are so short of listening, short of empathising, short of understanding.

The environment is very important to making us gracious. My friend said that graciousness must begin with the adults and she is absolutely right. How can our children be gracious when we ourselves are not?

Yet, at the same time, I believe that the conditions in the environment must be set right for graciousness to happen. There is an example which I can think of clearly, partly because of my exposure to the education system here, albeit short and interspersed with many absences.

In the UK tertiary education, everyone excels. I haven’t walked out of the class feeling defeated. Assignments and work are graded acording to merit and set rubrics. The grades that you achieve for yourself is set against the rubrics and everyone can score a First Class Honours if he so meets the standard.

In the Singapore tertiary education, a quota is set for those who deserve such honours. Rubrics are there as a guide but the quota sets one apart from that line of honour. You don’t get it not because you do not meet the requirements but because the number has been reached. You are just another number below.

In such an environment, I’m not sure if everyone can be gracious. Perhaps it is hard for the generosity of spirit to take place where one might cause oneself more detriment than good, so to speak, if one shares all. The environment doesn’t encourage the graciousness. Yes, we talk about excellence but possibly, without the character. My friend is right, it probably isn’t so much more of the environment than the examples set by the older people. After all, it is the older people who set the rules.

Sadly, the lack of graciousness is evident among many young people we have met, even when they are now set in a more gracious setting. We have overheard young people who felt that it was their entitlement to using up resources just because they have ‘paid their fees’ or that they would not want the trouble to organise an activity but they would enjoy it if others would take up that job, just don’t ask them to do it. Where is that generosity of spirit to serve without expecting something in return?

I remember once reading in a forum about a needy mother asking for baby products. The request for help turned into an accusation by donors and lengthy explanation from the mother. Again, where is the generosity of that spirit to give? Why so many judgements?

I remember how our ex-PM, Mr Goh Chok Tong mooted the campaign of “Towards a Gracious Society” more than 10 years ago and curious to see how it is going, I googled to find this speech which is worth reading (Singaporeans as ‘pigs’?).

Do I want to wait till I’m old to become more gracious? Does the Angel have to wait till she is wiser, with more experiences in life to become more gracious? I don’t think so. I think being gracious is like a good attitude which can eat into us and become our way of life and likewise, being ungracious will do that same. It is harder to unlearn than to learn, so we really need to start teaching our children to be gracious from young, that graciousness that is characterized by not only warm courtesy and pleasant kindess but most of all, generosity of the spirit. But before we start teaching, we ourselves, too, have to learn to be gracious, benevolent, rather than being so caught up in trying to be first, trying to win, trying to be the best and forget or purposefully want others to be left behind. It is not in the taking or the having of everything, it is not in the using of all resources, just because we have paid our dues. It really is about the spirit to give, to share.

It is very hard for me to be gracious when I find myself challenged by people who are not exactly gracious, who keeps demanding in very stressful circumstances. But that is where I think I should be truly gracious and learn to walk out of such situations gracefully and not to be yielded into such situations. I need to stop judging and move on.

It’s true, isn’t it, “it is not just the meritocracy nor the beautiful buildings. But …. the people … the values of its citizens.” The words of Mr Lim Biow Chuan sounds clear enough, “…. to be kinder, to be grateful to others, to be more considerate, to be humble, and to constantly be an encourager of our fellow citizens.”

Get it up, bring it on, that graciouness, that generosity of spirit, that will definitely make the world a better place. I’m learning and trying, too ….

Categories: The Bigger Issues
12 Comments »

So, the Angel has turned three and each year this time, I have the most excitement admist my busiest time.

Our Scottish friend, A, travelled all the way down from the Borders to celebrate the day with the Angel as it is also her birthday! What a lovely afternoon of chicken rice and quiet celebration and the company of splendid sunshine!

We had a barbeque this year and it was such a bash. Everyone brought along some food which added on to the pile! I really enjoyed having all those friends around and everyone talking to just about everyone else. It was meant to be some sort of a farewell party since very soon, we will be packing and leaving.

Most importantly, the Angel was happy.

Each year this time, I have many things to be thankful for.

When the Angel turned one, I was thankful that I made my first few friends in the UK. I’m eternally grateful to have C. as my faithful friend here. When the Angel was one, the party wasn’t so much of hers than ours!

When the Angel turned two, I was extremely thankful that she self-weaned off breastfeeding. At that point, I no longer enjoyed breastfeeding and was advised a ‘cruel’ way to wean her off. I held it off for as long as I could and thank God! She self-weaned, and before she was two, it was all over for me! I also learnt that the birthday song can be very calming for a child when it has meaning to her. The Angel really liked the birthday song session and when she had her upset moments, singing the birthday song gave the most soothing and calming effect above all else.

Just as the Angel was turning three, she finally discovered for herself the ’solution’ to her habitual night scratching. She has finally released us of those endless nights which had rendered me helpless and hopeless and her sleepless and bloody. Now, we generally enjoy a good night sleep and even if she is awaken, the habits of the past surface for only a short duration or none at all. Sleep is still sweet. Amazingly, for the first time in donkey months, the Angel went to sleep with the alternative dad with no fuss.

As for me, I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours and I feel as if I can still go on. I realise that the Angel’s birthday holds more meaning now for me than my own. In the quietness of the night, where finally everyone is asleep and I have the house to myself, I wish that sleep will steal upon me in this euphoric state of mind.

Categories: Uncategorized, The Angel
10 Comments »

This is really a busy week. My inlaws are here and the Angel is turning three.

I started planning, thinking, marinating, baking on Sunday night, fell asleep and woke up at 6am on Monday to carry on with the preparation.

My parents-in-law arrived on Monday morning and I arranged a little people’s party for the Angel and her friend, L.

I single-handedly prepared all the party food and baked a cake for the Angel which she can have! Last year, I remember how hard the group from Honeypot House came to our house to try to bake a cake sans wheat, sans eggs, sans milk! The cake was exactly what we had wanted it to be - a rabbit - but the taste was weird when we mixed them with all that soya flour, rice flour, and all kinds of flour to make it work! I had such a wonderful team of people helping me last year (I didn’t do much of the baking really) but this year, I’m completely on my own!

I tried baking a cake last month for a boy’s birthday and the Angel could have it. It really was a simple attempt but on Monday, I baked a blackforest lookalike cake for the little party. I quite like the overall effect after all that effort. I realise it is really fun baking your own child’s birthday and you can customised it to what your child likes.

Thanks to the Pilgrim Parent, I borrowed the memory game idea, but modified it to an ‘everybody wins spirit’. While each child took turns, both reaped the rewards when each could recall what was beneath the cloth. Such fun when they had such a ‘loot’ in their ’shopping bag’ which they have earned!

One of the greatest laugh we had at the party was when the Angel and her guest discussed about the conditions of their hands as a conversation topic, they both suffer from pretty acute eczema. At almost three, these two girls sure have very serious topics to share! It was such a laugh!

Now, at 4am in the morning, I have better get my skates on to prepare for the big party later on.

Categories: Where We Live
5 Comments »